It’s nearly two months since I am a full-time stay at home mom. When I got back to work after a month of maternity leave, my Husband and I struggled caring for a newborn, the home and ourselves. He gently asked me if it was okay with me to resign from work so one of us can focus on taking of the baby.

And while this position is something most working-moms long for – to be able to stay at home and care for the kids, their husband and the home, I found myself at the opposite.

I cried.

I know it was selfish but I had my hesitations. I was afraid I would lose myself taking care of everyone else and the home. I was also so used to working and earning my keep that I was not sure how things would be to be totally dependent on someone. When I was still single and living with my family, I have always enjoyed work and having done something that pays. I know that it may sound so babaw, but growing up in a big family, money has always been an issue as my Mama tried to stretch the income to seven children. My parents did not shield us away from knowing how difficult it was for us financially. So when I started working, the feeling of security in my income was comforting.And I was afraid that it would also affect our family finances. If you know my Husband and I, we are not wealthy but with God’s grace, we are in a comfortable boat financially – and I was afraid things would be different. 

My Husband respected my decision and I kept on working and we kept on struggling for the next few months. It came to the point where our productivity level was mediocre. We just get things done and no extra brain cells added to whatever work we did.

Five months after the initial conversation, I got a call from one of my bosses. He said that the company was restructuring and needed someone multi-skilled. I came in the company as digital content manager but took on, mostly admin role when it was more needed. This was the kind of no-brainer work I prayed for after having my 1st miscarriage and knowing we would be trying to get pregnant again. I remembered I specifically prayed for a job with less stress or none at all. The surprising admin role with the salary rate of a content manager was a God send. Three years after, I was asked if I was ready to upgrade my skills and I was honest enough to say that I did not have the energy, time and brain for it with the baby and all. I did not want to be the half-cooked potato in a pan full of fully cooked ones and be the weak link of the chain. It was a sad time to say goodbye to a company that was there from me through our losses, our fertility struggle and the difficult pregnancy.

As I took on the full housewife and stay at home mom role, I found myself struggling still. There were days when I feel that I have not done anything even though the home is tidy, meals were cooked and served, laundry done and everyone was cared for. My brain has not fully transitioned productivity results yet. And I know that it would take time, the same way how God took His time to work on my heart.

And in the days I find myself worrying how my absence of income affects our family finances, I find comfort that it is not my Husband who will provide for us but our God, The Provider. And that, not once, has He forsaken us and left us to tend for ourselves. “Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds!” – Luke 12:24 “And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 4:19